Thinking with Jurassic Park, taking the shock a little at a time

Can you live with a velociraptor?

You know those scenes in the Jurassic Park movies where they’re trying to close and hold a door shut so a velociraptor doesn’t get in and eat them alive? That’s kinda what I feel I have been doing since my beloved left this world. 

All the books and social media posts I read, the support group, the counseling, the creative projects, the memorial planning and getting the videos shared, my page, the playlists, making sure I take time to feel and cry and scream, and my trips to where he lived – it’s all me trying to keep the velociraptor from eating me alive. 

It’s exhausting and it’s scary. How do you tame a velociraptor so you can live with it and not get torn to pieces? In Jurassic World, they trained the velociraptors, but still had to keep them locked up or get killed. 

I guess maybe Owen’s and Blue’s relationship was more a matter of coming to an understanding through experience and building trust. More to ponder, I suppose. 

Of course, the first thing to do, according to my college training, is define my terms. What exactly is this velociraptor I’m trying to keep at bay, lest it kill me, presumably in a very dreadful fashion? His absence? I suppose so. Everything stems from that.

I tend to get into a swimming pool one small step at a time. Jumping in is too much of a shock to my system. So I just delve out the unpleasant sensation a little at a time. Perhaps that’s my approach here. Deal with the absence a little at a time, til I’m all the way into the new reality.

If I can find some sense of connection, perhaps I can develop an understanding that will allow me to live – carefully – with his absence, and trust that it won’t devour me. 

Baby steps.